The Couch Slouch: Ask any wife, I always knew a sure thing

I remember it as clearly as yesterday -- June 4, 1986, Atlanta-Fulton County Stadium, Pirates vs. Braves, fifth inning. Against the Braves' Craig McMurtry, Barry Bonds hit his first major league homer in just his sixth game.

I turned to my wife at the time -- Jodi or Judy or Juliet or something like that -- and said, "This kid's going to hit 500 homers, just like his daddy."

"His father didn't hit 500 homers," she said. "He hit 332."

"Whatever," I responded, and handed her a $10 bill to go buy me a dog and a beer.

She took the money and didn't come back.

I always knew a sure thing when I saw it, at least on the baseball field.

Bonds, 40, has vaulted past 700 home runs. If he stays healthy, he'll surpass Babe Ruth's 714 next season and Hank Aaron's 755 the season after.

His numbers are Strat-o-Matic-scary the past four seasons. Homers by season: 73, 46, 45, 44. Batting average: .328, .370, .341, .371. On-base percentage: .515, .582, .529, .615. Slugging percentage: .863, .799, .749, .834.

In fact, his past four years in our national pastime -- if steroid-free -- look a good deal better on paper than President Bush's past four years as our national leader. Then again, Bonds makes $16 million annually and the president earns only $400,000.

(This calls to mind Babe Ruth's response, in 1930, to his salary being $80,000 compared with President Hoover's $75,000. "I know," the Bambino famously said, "but I had a better year than Hoover.")

For all his good years, Bonds still is regarded as an aloof, brooding superstar by most people. Few baseball fans embrace him outside of San Francisco, he has no national endorsement deal on TV and, of course, nobody wants to pitch to him these days.

Bonds has more bases on balls this season, 221, than anyone else has base hits -- well, with the exception of the Mariners' exceptional Ichiro Suzuki.

(How about Ichiro? What Sir Isaac Newton was to the law of gravity, Ichiro is to the law of singles hitting. He could hit his way out of a paper bag, a phone booth or a Tom Daschle dinner party. Plus, Ichiro's so fast, when he travels, he hits the ground before the plane. Of course, if Ichiro had any less power, he'd be Calista Flockhart.)

Bonds has won the National League MVP award six times in the past 14 years; if he were more well-liked, he probably would've won one or two others. But Bonds has never been that popular -- to this day, his own obstetrician denies delivering him.

Still, outside of Ruth, Bonds may be the best baseball player of all time.

(TV Timeout: So I happened to gaze upon USC-Stanford on TBS Saturday during the Chili's Halftime Report and my main man Ernie Johnson said, "Back in a minute as the Alabama State drum line takes us to break." Back in a minute? Back in a minute? They showed commercials for "Friday Night Lights," the U.S. Army, Pioneer Plasma TV, T-Mobile, Yamaha, Nicoderm, PlayStation 2, the U.S. Postal Service, Allstate, Nicoderm again, Dodge Durango and something called the Gazelle workout machine, plus there was a promo for "Men at Work" following the game that included another T-Mobile spot. After nine minutes of ads, they returned to football. I'll never trust Ernie Johnson again.)

I remember it as clearly as yesterday -- April 20, 1996, 3Com Park, Marlins vs. Giants, third inning. Against the Marlins' John Burkett, Bonds hit his 300th homer.

I turned to one of my later wives -- Mindy or Mitzi or Hortense or something like that -- and said, "This fella's going to hit 800 home runs, you just wait and see."

"You're drunk and you smell," she said, somewhat affectionately.

"Whatever," I responded, and handed her a $20 bill to go buy me a dog and a beer.

Well, you know what she did. And you know what Bonds has done.

Ask The Slouch

Q. Besides the opportunity to show more commercials, what is the purpose of the two-minute warning? (Jim Hogg; Franklin Park, Pa.)

A. I don't know about the other coaches, but the Rams' Mike Martz uses the two-minute warning to remind himself there are only two minutes left to foul things up.

Q. Which is more of a real sport -- fishing or golf? (Steve Norwood; Washington, D.C.)

A. Pro golfers have someone carry their clubs and need complete silence before starting a backswing. Pro fishermen bait their own hooks and cast out a line even if someone is shouting, "Soooey! Hook 'em Horns!!!"

Q. What exactly are all those people on the floor of the New York Stock Exchange screaming about? (Tony Patterson; Ruston, La.)

A. I assume most of them are unhappy about the Jets' play selection.

Q. I recently saw you on TV -- is that your "poker face" or just the day after a night out? Steve Daniels; Valley View, Ohio)

A. Just think what I look like without the makeup, pal.

You, too, can enter the $1.25 Ask The Slouch Cash Giveaway. Just e-mail asktheslouch@aol.com and, if your question is used, you win $1.25 in cash!

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